I truly believe that there would be a lot more love in this world if we could just learn to love unconditionally. And like with most things, the mantle of this also falls on parents. I see so many families around me – seemingly ‘happy and normal’ on the surface. Where parents, in the name of ‘motivating’ their kids and ‘securing their future’ push them harder and harder to perform better at studies, extra curricular activities, be a certain way to be accepted in their social circles. Success is greeted with joyous approval; ‘failure’ with subtle disapproval and many times, blatant criticism. So, the child will strive hard, not to do the best for himself but to ‘earn’ the approval of his parents and peers. The more he does this, the more ingrained is the message that you don’t deserve to be loved and respected just the way you are. You have to be someone else, someone better, smarter, more attractive, successful blah blah, in order to be loved.

And he comes to believe that is love. That only these external attributes can makes him worthy of love and acceptance. So, he fails to accept himself and love himself unconditionally. He finds himself unable to love his own soul wholeheartedly. The ‘love’ appears sometimes, when he’s done something that ‘redeems’ his worthiness of being loved. Other times, he spends his life, wondering what that void in his heart is all about. Why, despite all his money and career success, that void just refuses to get filled. Why despite all the praise heaped on him, that niggling voice in his head that he’s not good enough yet, just refuses to die down. And he passes on the same legacy to his kids, who in turn, pass it on to their kids. And this unkind cycle is perpetrated endlessly.  

The sense of inadequacy such people experience is but natural for their very premise of love is untrue and superficial. We choose to bring children into this world, of our own volition. So, it is our duty to love them, not because they are here to fulfill our unfulfilled destinies and for us to feed off them vicariously but because they are unique and special and deserve to be loved, just by the force of their being. It’s that simple really.

I have seen such kids also, lucky to have received such unconditional love and acceptance from their families. They may not have always been first in class or the CEO of the company but they have always done well for themselves, measuring life in happiness, love and a healthy balance between work and love. They have brought joy and compassion not just into their lives but also into the lives of those around them. And they have passed on this beautiful legacy to their kids.

To love and be loved, is the most natural and strongest human impulse. It is this instinct that differentiates the human brain from the reptilian brain. How did we, in the name of civilization, growth, development, lose out on this most primal and beautiful instinct? The world will heal, only when we rediscover this instinct, which exists still, in all of us, buried somewhere deep down. 

What two days these have been. I am closing the doors on not one but two chapters of my life. One which had been a part of soul for so long that I had forgotten it was even there. And the other… came into my life, only to remind me of a wound long forgotten and one that remained unhealed.

Now that wound has been exposed, ready to be healed. Such is life. You can’t heal that which you aren’t even aware of. And I wasn’t aware of old ties that still remained intertwined with the deepest part of me. Even if I was aware on some subconscious level, I wasn’t ready to de-link myself from it. That was then. Now, I know I must untangle those knots and walk free. I wasn’t the only one though. The one who remained tangled in my heart, wasn’t entirely free either. I guess what they say is true – only the one who has caused you that pain, can free you from it. I had hurt him with my words, he had hurt me with his actions.

Today, we have redeemed each other. I, by taking all those hurtful words back and speaking what always resided in my heart but never said because my ego wouldn’t let me. He, by explaining the true emotion behind those actions. It’s a beautiful and bittersweet moment when love and redemption collide. We both needed it from each other and were able to give it to each other. Yet, that feeling wasn’t without one of regret – this redemption came too late for us to make our way back to each other.

It is not an easy truth to accept – that sometimes, love comes into your life to nourish your soul, teach you the true meaning of pain and then goes away. That no matter how badly you want something – you don’t get to decide. The best you can do is to accept the flow of life and surrender to it, even if it seems like everything you didn’t want. I didn’t do a very good job of accepting that, in the past. I hope to change that now. I am grateful that I found a love that I always wanted, had, but never truly recognized. I am glad I loved and lost, rather than not have loved at all.

I have always believed in life’s regenerative power. So, I know I shall love that way again and be loved back. Because now I am ready to move out of the shadow of the past. I am grateful for all those beautiful memories but I can’t live with them alone – I won’t. It’s now time to forge new bonds and create new memories. I hope to….I wish to…    

Letting go of someone we love is perhaps one of the most difficult things in one’s life. Whether the letting go happens because of a death, mutual separation or one person wanting out, in the final reckoning, it’s just that – you have to let go and move on. You don’t have any other choice. Yes, there are those who hold on to the bitterness and pain and let their pain fester for years, perhaps even a lifetime. But the bottom line is – when it’s time to move on, that’s precisely what you have to.

It’s easier said than done. Especially, when you don’t want to let go but you have to. It could be in the case of a death or when one person wants out. I have always looked at couples where one wants out and the other person doesn’t. I have always wondered how the one who doesn’t want the relationship to end, reconciles to the fact that he/she has to let go though they don’t want to. I have wondered how they deal with the inevitable sense of bitterness and being let down.

Now I know J). The key lies in accepting an inalienable truth of life – sometimes, the people who are supposed to love us don’t love us. Sometimes, the people who are supposed to protect us let us down. And sometimes, though we might give a relationship our best and purest shot, it still might not work. We might blame the other person, other people, destiny – how does it matter why it got over. The bottom line is, it’s over, nothing more, nothing less. It’s over because it was meant to be over. Period.

The past has a way of creeping up on you, when you least expect it. Like an illness you were least expecting. Most times, it leaves your side with the same alacrity with which it visited you in the first place. Other times, it lingers, longer than you would like; stirring questions and feelings you thought were a thing of the past. It’s tempting at that moment to not acknowledge those feelings and pooh pooh them as the workings of an over nostalgic heart and mind. But no matter how hard you try, they are always there, niggling, under the surface.

I too have looked the other way for too long now. Now, I feel the need to face my nemesis and tell him, you are finally powerless. The irony is that any nemesis is only as strong as we deem it to be. I too have been guilty of the same. Waiting for redemption when all I should have done is walked ahead, without looking back. Get mired in the race (perhaps only with myself) to show I had made it on my own, when I should have actually let go of all expectations – of redemption, of a gloating triumph. In retrospect, this approach seems almost juvenile; against all tenets of Zen I so hold dear.

That which causes us most pain, is often the most difficult to forgive. I won’t say forget because we never do forget, not really. Once a memory has been etched in our minds, it’s indelible. It may stir less or more or no pain, but remember we shall, always. And some people and phases shall always stir a numbing pain, no matter how far our lives move from them. It’s not an easy truth to accept, but accept we must, for in acceptance and surrender, lies freedom. Pain is as inevitable as life itself but acceptance (not to be mistaken for resignation) frees us from victim hood. We let the feelings manifest, let them fulfill their journey and leave our lives.

I too, must move on from this self-destructive wait for redemption. In Zen, it is said that we are no one to decide what we deserve and what we don’t. There’s a much larger scheme of things and we must trust it, for its innate sense of justice and balance. I ran too far from the realization that perhaps I loved more and suffered more. Perhaps I saw it as a secret source of shame and weakness. Silly me J). Now, I wish to free myself of this need to prove that my life is much better today than it ever was. I wish to free myself of the desire to see the pain of those that inflicted so much on pain on me. I can’t absolve myself of the responsibility of the fact that I let them!

The time is now to look within, not look back and remove all those obstacles that prevent me from letting go completely. They say when you desire something with all your heart, the universe always helps you. So, I shall await the infinite wisdom that has always guided me.

Once upon a time, even buying a computer would require me to take a loan. Run around, fill forms, wait for the loan to get sanctioned, submit bills, and then wait impatiently for the loan emi to disappear from my salary slip someday soon! That was once upon a time. Today, times are less hard. I can actually plan, save money and pay cash for a new swanky comp with a mind blowing sound quality, and not quite feel the pinch. Not feel it at all actually. Of course, the improving quality of technology and corresponding competitiveness in pricing certainly doesn’t hurt.

It’s been so many years since I have been working. But even now, there never cease to be moments when I feel grateful that I earn and buy things for myself. May seem like something that people with six digit salaries take for granted. But not for us, hard working…. ‘middle class people.’ We still revel in the little increments, the slight changes in the economics of our lives. This is definitely one of those moments…. I feel the way I felt when I gave myself, my first five star holiday, in Holiday Inn, Goa. Life’s getting better, it always does, if we allow it to. There will be many more joy giving, simplifying gadgets in the future……….holidays…….simple joys. As the whole world around me revels in twinkling lights this Diwali, I too bask in the inner glow, knowing that life’s only going to get better from here. This has been a happy Diwali indeed.     

• Managing my finances better (not that there;s much to manage in the first place).
• Being a bit more regular with my exercise routine (i know i know.....wipe that look off your face :P). Just working on being healthy.
• Though am fairly pleased with my time management skills........but yup, fine tuning them further wouldn't hurt :))). 
• And most importantly, devoting more time to Zen and meditation. These have both changed my life beyond anything you can imagine.....am committed to making them an integral part of my lif.........forever :)).